T*W. Whose agency is it anyway? On rape and silence (part 1)

I let him hug me goodbye in the middle of a public road
and giggled when he tried to kiss me
I stood frozen as I watched him walk away, a shy smile on my lips,
not anticipating the tears that would soon betray my face.

I stood frozen and watched him walk away
When his silhouette vanished, I felt them
The tears, filling my eyes, trickling down my cheeks
and watering my lips

I was not sad he was walking away
I was mad that I let him hug me goodbye on a public road
and giggled when he tried to kiss me
I was mad because my head hurt from all the analyzing
my vagina hurt from all the thrusting
my throat hurt from all the choking, holding back the tears
Mostly, I was mad because, if even I couldn’t be sure
whether or not I was raped
– whether or not HE RAPED ME –
How was I to convince someone, anyone, else?

*Part 2: conversation with self during, immediately after and weeks following…

Published by blaqandgoldblog

Life seen through a black girl's lens

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